Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Our first moments. . .


With the day slowly but surely approaching I am thinking back to my first moments with the boys. Each so different and each so special in their own way. Being a first time mom you have no idea what is going on, you are so scared yet the most excited you have ever been. Our sweet little Carter came flying into the world and his unexpected extra chromosome took us by surprise. Then came little Nolan who made a quiet entrance into the world and has been nothing close to quiet since. But with each one a completely wide range of emotions felt. The anguish and grief we experienced with Carter's diagnosis, the unknown of what was to come. Knowing what we know now, our fears could have been subsided. Waiting for Nolan to arrive, again the unknown was tough to swallow. Feeling gulity if we prayed for him to not have a diagonosis was somehow wrong because we loved Carter so much just the way he was. An inner battle that I imagine other parents in our shoes go through as well.  

So I sit here now counting down the days and wonder what her birth will be like. What will she look like? Will she be okay? Will I be okay? The anxiety of the indefinite is sometimes too much to think about but yet I have always said that I would not want to know during my pregnancy and opt for no testing with all of my babies. I would be lying if I said the thought hasn't crossed my mind, a diagnosis of Down syndrome or anything else for that matter.  I may never say out loud some of the fears I had with Carter right after his birth although I would not have done it any other way. From the first moment I laid my eyes on him, I knew he was mine, mine to take care of, mine to love and mine to protect. And just when you think you couldn't love another just as the first your heart expands and you find yourself loving another the same but yet differently. Each of our babies are unique and I cherish each of them with all of my heart. 
I look forward to our first moments my little lady. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and inhale your sweet smell. I want to look into your eyes and tell you how much your mama loves you and how I have been dreaming about you for so long. 
I keep having the feeling you won't be waiting until the 20th of May to be here but we will see. I can't wait to have you here to complete our family.   

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