So this afternoon we had a meeting with the instructor that will be teaching Carter's new playgroup at his therapy center. As most of you know I have been teaching the last 5 years and now I am staying home with the boys. Staying home is giving Carter and Nolan so many more opportunities that I couldn't do when I was working full time. I feel so lucky to be home with them, even though some days are harder then others. So my role inside this house is to be a mama and outside of here I had been a teacher. I always tried to envision what it felt like being the parent of one of my kindergartners. I always used to say to myself, remember these are their babies. I would ask parents to work with their kids at home on skills we were working on in the classroom. And conversations with parents could be tough when one of my kiddos was struggling with a skill. Being a teacher, I considered myself an empathic person. After becoming a parent and teaching my empathy skyrocketed. But today I found myself on the fence. The instructor of Carter's upcoming class was explaining the schedule and expectations. She told me about during craft time, the kids are to sit down and participate in the art project provided. And if they are not interested they are still suppose to remain in the area and can partake in another activity such as reading a story. To a typical parent of a 2 1/2 year old, that may not sound like much. But my little man will have nothing to do with crafts, believe me I try. Paper is for ripping and crayons are for eating. Sitting at a table for about all of 2 seconds, maybe if your lucky. I work on these things at home but there is only so much I can do. Am I being a good parent? Failing as a teacher? Should we be working harder? For the first time I found myself nervous and afraid for what Carter may face in school. The instructor continued to discuss the classroom activities and I found myself overwhelmed. I was angry, upset, how do they expect Carter to participate in these activities but then on the flip side, I said wow I am glad he is held to the same expectations as all of the other students in the class. I know when Carter starts school, things are going to be tough but damn it, it hurts. I curse the world for being an unfair, cruel place and thank the world that excepts and celebrates us all for who we are. In life we will always have to play two sides, take on different roles and do what is best for the ones we love.
Tonight I laid down next to Carter and watched him sleep. I rubbed his little head and promised him I would protect him for the rest of his life.
I whispered and told him he was going to do big things in this lifetime. I told him, no matter what his mama would always be proud of him.