I told myself after doing it one time, I would never do it again. I vowed to never google anything having to do with Down syndrome. The Internet can be a wealth of information but it can also be a reality that we may not be ready to face. Upon reading another blog tonight I came across the subject matter of whether or not an individual with Down syndrome is able to conceive. I could feel my heart racing as I read it because I knew the answer. Most males with DS are sterile and unlikely to conceive. And even though I knew this I still looked it up as if I would read something had changed.
The love that I have for my children is indescribable and I can't imagine not experiencing a love like this in my lifetime. After having a baby you naturally envision their future, who will they look like, what will their hobbies be, what will they want to be, who will they fall in love with, and will they have babies? I do my best to remain positive but I also have to prepare myself, our path in life may be different. I can't lie, I wish he could have babies. . . I have dreams for Carter just as any other mother has, I hope he gets married, I want him to do well in school, I want him to have friends, I want him to play sports, I want him to be accepted for who he is. But sometimes I would also like to say out loud that it hurts and some days it is hard and some days I do still cry. I want to protect him and make sure that he is happy. I want to know that it is going to be okay on these days when it is tough. I strongly believe Carter is going to do big things in his lifetime and I know he has a very promising future. But letting my vulnerable side speak I understand there may be some of life's moments that every mother wishes for that I will secretly miss.
*picture above taken the first day we brought Carter home from the hospital, he was 4 days old.