Thursday, April 19, 2012

Never. . .

I told myself after doing it one time, I would never do it again. I vowed to never google anything having to do with Down syndrome. The Internet can be a wealth of information but it can also be a reality that we may not be ready to face. Upon reading another blog tonight I came across the subject matter of whether or not an individual with Down syndrome is able to conceive. I could feel my heart racing as I read it because I knew the answer. Most males with DS are sterile and unlikely to conceive. And even though I knew this I still looked it up as if I would read something had changed.
The love that I have for my children is indescribable and I can't imagine not experiencing a love like this in my lifetime. After having a baby you naturally envision their future, who will they look like, what will their hobbies be, what will they want to be, who will they fall in love with, and will they have babies? I do my best to remain positive but I also have to prepare myself, our path in life may be different. I can't lie, I wish he could have babies. . . I have dreams for Carter just as any other mother has, I hope he gets married, I want him to do well in school, I want him to have friends, I want him to play sports, I want him to be accepted for who he is. But sometimes I would also like to say out loud that it hurts and some days it is hard and some days I do still cry. I want to protect him and make sure that he is happy. I want to know that it is going to be okay on these days when it is tough. I strongly believe Carter is going to do big things in his lifetime and I know he has a very promising future. But letting my vulnerable side speak I understand there may be some of life's moments that every mother wishes for that I will secretly miss.
*picture above taken the first day we brought Carter home from the hospital, he was 4 days old.


Diana Hicks said...

We packed our bags and looked forward to our journey in Paris. When the cruise stopped we were in the Bermuda triangle... we were disappointed and angry that we didn't end up where our travel advisors said we were going. All anyone could say, if they said anything at all, was "bummer, sucks to be you" (paraphrasing).
So here we were stuck in rough seas with no idea of up or down. After then shock wore off we were saddened by the things we thought we would never see. What we found instead was that if we adapted to the motion of the ocean the seasickness subsided. We saw many beautiful rainbows, and fishes jumping in the seas. There were stormy days and we just held on and prayed. And again the rainbows appeared and the fishes jumped.
We have no clue as to what can or will happen on a daily basis. But i steady my feet in the boat willing to ride it out. Still now nearly 20 years into the voyage, I refuse to give up.
He's never had a girlfriend nor a real date. Not sure what job he can do as most employers don't allow folks to just walk out when they need to. We begin a new medication hunt on Tuesday.
I fear sometimes that someone can get physically hurt. He gets very angry when he hears me speak of his issues.

Bularz Family said...

i so understand how you feel. not a day goes by that i do not think about dillon's future. i keep telling myself that he is happy & that just because he might not enjoy the same things as other kids it does not mean that he is missing out. a friend recently said to me "having a typically developing child does not mean that that child will grow up and have a normal life" and that is so true. and even though the pain is there as i watch other kids do things that i had dreamed about i try to be thankful for what i do have...a very happy little boy.